How To Be A Lagos Big Girl

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Away from all things too serious, I am sharing an extra post this week. I will be writing on something that has always fascinated me…”The Lagos Big Girl Tag.” The city of Lagos is regarded as a land of opportunities where people come in search of the golden fleece that is often talked about. Everyone wants to be seen as “doing well” or “making it.” Now, the ways of achieving that aim differ from person to person. Today, I will be attempting to assist the ladies who aspire to be tagged “Lagos Big Girls.” Feel free to scratch Lagos and insert the name of your city of residence.

I am aware that there are “Lagos Big Boys” too, but will be focusing on the women today simply because I am female, so it naturally follows that I understand my ilk better. I have observed that the label “Big Girl” is often misused and bandied around by every Sade, Ngozi and Amina, and it vexes me. And so this article is aimed not only at “protecting the rights” of the true big girls to be exclusively identified as that, but also to educate the ladies and everyone in general who erroneously use the phrase.

Below are some of the characteristics you as a girl/lady/woman must possess in order to earn the right to be called a Lagos Big girl;

-Place of Residence: To earn the right to be tagged a Lagos Big Girl, you MUST live on the Island. And no, Obalende or Isale Eko just doesn’t cut it. When I say Island, I mean Ikoyi, Victoria Island or Lekki. It doesn’t really matter if you live in a studio apartment or share a flat with friends, as long as it is guaranteed that you live there and your landlord hasn’t thrown your stuff out due to unpaid rent, you’re good. The only other exception to this rule is if you live in a mansion or duplex in any choice area of the mainland. If you still live with your parents or guardian, you dare not call yourself a big girl for you are in fact a baby.

-Marital Status: Some believe that only rich single ladies who are old enough to be married but appear to have little or no interest in doing so can be referred to as big girls, but I beg to differ. As far as I am concerned, you can be single, separated, divorced or married. It really doesn’t make much difference. However, if you are married, your husband must be highly regarded in the business circles, either as a top executive in a multinational company or as the owner of a thriving business or better still one who was born into wealth. If you are single, separated or divorced then you must either be born into wealth yourself, have a great job or business or be dating a man who does!

-Car Brand: It is laughable to see some girls who regard themselves as “big girls” drive around in a Tokunbo car. As an authentic Lagos big girl, this is totally unacceptable. You have to own a brand new car to attain that status. This is non-negotiable. And talking about new cars, a Tata Nano, Cherry QQ or Suzuki Maruti is inadmissible. In other words, your car must be relatively pricey at least or better still a more status befitting wonder on wheels. How you go about getting this car is entirely your business…just drive a “big” brand new car!

-Social circle: As a big girl, you cannot afford to be seen with just anybody. If you haven’t been paying much attention to all I have written so far, you need to focus now! I’ll write it again. You cannot afford to be seen with just anybody! If your old friends have refused to “move with the times” you need to ditch them, for the business of attaining the status of a big girl is a serious one! They will only succeed in dragging you back and tainting your hard earned reputation. You have to find friends with like minds who are on the fast track like you. You have to be friends with the high and mighty in the society in order to get invited to all the exclusive parties and red carpet events where you can strut your stuff and expand your circle.

-Speech: Develop a British or American accent, or as a matter of fact a mixture of both (Yes! it shows versatility), so you can sound like one who wasn’t born here. It raises your profile with the clueless ones.

-Looks!Looks!Looks!: This is arguably the most important point of all, as we are often judged by our looks. As a certified Lagos big girl you are not allowed to have a bad hair day. Your hair, make-up, clothes, shoes, bags and accessories MUST always hit the mark (Oh! you thought it was beans to be a big girl abi?). Cheap stuff are not for you. You must possess all the authentic hair and wigs, wear all the big designer names and refrain from repeating a particular outfit more than thrice a year. And last but not the least, you really need to consider bleaching if you are “unlucky” to be dark skinned. Let’s face it, it is no longer fashionable to be dark in complexion. Hook yourself up with Dencia’s Whitenicious Cream or some Egyptian milk. Or get good old Iya Rashida to mix up some stuff for you. It’s the way to go in the quest to cement your place in the big girls league!

If you are lacking in any of the above areas, then you are still a learner…a hustler and far from being a big girl. In the words of my favorite African Rapper Mi- you are a Rita Lori chick forming Rita Ora. Don’t get it twisted!

You can thank me later.

 

27 Replies to “How To Be A Lagos Big Girl”

    1. Oh! That’s ok. The content of this article is entirely my opinion based on my observation of happenings around me. Feel free to share yours.

  1. Nice one Lolade..Very Hilarious Post..lol

    Though I beg to differ on the “Looks” aspect, I mean, take Genevieve, OAP Toolz, Mercy Johnson……and Me…haha. We are truly comfortable in our dark chocolate skin…This “whitenicious” trend is becoming worrisome and even our Menfolk arent left out. I pray we all wake up to smell the coffee soon to understand the dangers of Skin bleaching…..Well done dear, Keep them Coming!!!

    1. Lol, I totally get you, but you have to understand the undertone behind my words. Thank God I am more of a dark person too, and anyone who knows me well can testify to the fact that I totally abhor bleaching. Glad I made you laugh though.

  2. Kai, Ore u just finished me with laughter dis morning. I forgot my daughter was asleep and laughed loud
    U ve finished self acclaimed Lagos big gals. The points u made are all true. Its unfortunate some pple tag themselves as big girls n boys just to live a life above their means’ fake 2faced life’. Empty vessels mke d loudest noise. I’ve seen a lot of fake gals here claiming big Ph gals but u can’t go to their houses n seat on their couch without fear of been bitten by ants / bugs. Its pathetic. I love simple, sharp n intelligent pple. Most girls here are home wreckers, dey date married men to attain dat self acclaimed ‘big gal’. The useless men abandon their wives n kids @ home n spend on their girlfriends. Those girls come out using flashy cars n clothes while d wives poorly dress n drive tokunbo cars. That’s y most of them prefer going on outings with their presentable girlfrnds instead of their wives.
    In my opinion, a big gal must b self made. ‘ mke n earn ur money’. Don’t rely on ur parents, husband, boy friend or sugar daddy’s money but mke use of Skills, Talent n Wisdom.
    Ng Anwuli

  3. Chai!!!!.. Lolade, you just dampened aspirations of many with this write up. Your bar is too high naa.. haba! but hey.. the following excuses may just pop up to counter your set criteria;

    At least chartered cabs should be permissible if big brand new cars are out of reach. who knows.. she may not enjoy driving through lagos traffic yeah..lol!

    She may not like human hair as she is all natural…. so her regular perm may just be the way. hahahahahahaha

    she does not like Ikoyi, V/I or lekki.. those are flood prone areas… Agege and Isheri are more central… besides she is not sharing a BQ with 3 or 4 others because she can’t afford the rent.,.. she simply does not like being lonely!

    She just got back from London yeah and she had to leave her daddy behind with her Uncle Tony “Flair”. ko easy! …. The list is endless.

    see ehn.. we must be big by force o… i had a good laugh reading this. Guess it is the way our world works on this side of the globe. If you cannot be exactly like them (“bigz people”).. blend with them!

    1. The idea is to go big or go home jare so I don’t think my bar is too high. Let us separate the contenders from the many pretenders. I had a good laugh reading your comment too. Thanks a bunch!

  4. I had a good time reading through this article. I need to work harder so as to get these things highlighted in the article. I gats to be a bigz girl o jare!

  5. Lolade ooooooooooo! lwkmd..chai! You just finished some babes! Ahhhhhhaaaa! So much for ‘wannabeing’! Lolzz… Really hilarious! Weldone!

  6. Ahn Ahn Lolade!!

    Doesn’t good Nigerian accent count?

    What if you live at the 7th roundabout, is it still Lekki?

    Does a Kia Picanto count?

    Kindly clarify……..lol 🙂

    1. We can accommodate a good Nigerian accent, but a Kia Picanto? Mba! The jury is still out on the 7th roundabout issue, Lol. Thanks Bj.

  7. it’s not easy to be a big girl,dis post is soo funny.I guess part of it could include:-
    1.Travels out for summer every time,generally travels for holiday/shopping to d Bahamas, Dubai,Paris etc,UK is becoming too razz for her.

    2.Doesn’t eat local dishes like Eba,amala,etc but intercontinental dishes, dines in Chinese restaurant, eats oyster, prawns, etc

    3.All are things ‘are sent’…all imported

    4.Uses d latest technology in town I.e phone ,iPads, etc whether she’s maximizing it or only for show.

    5.She must walk in late to every meeting or gathering so that everybody can assess her dressing, stepping, perfume etc

    I can’t stop laffing Jo…..

  8. Hmmmnnn. You want to increase the number oF Female robbers nii? Please temper JustiCe…
    Good write up…I will look out for the criteria for gbogbo BigZ boyZ.

    Well done.

  9. I love your right up.. Its been enlightening.. Thank you.. Looking forward to more write ups on how to meet big boys m keep em.. Lolz

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