At the end of the day, the magic isn’t in getting married, but in staying married – Baggage Claim (The Movie)
I try to push my boundaries and challenge myself to face my fears each day, which is why I have chosen to write about something I would normally shy away from. I also figured that a lot of times the people who speak or write about the issue of finding Mr or Miss Right as the case maybe are usually married and so are seen as authorities in this field. It doesn’t really matter if they are not happy in their marriages or if they are constantly cursing or exchanging blows with their partners everyday, the bottom line is that they managed to get someone (either by hook or by crook) to “put a ring on it” in the case of the ladies or accept their proposal for the guys which is a feat that a single person hasn’t been able to achieve (yes, in this part of the world people see marriage as an achievement). And so, as a single lady, I am treading where “Lions” dread to tread by writing about it. I am also taking this on because I don’t want to be a hypocrite…I don’t want to get married tomorrow and write about this all important search the following week because I believe I now know better and have the secret formula to holding down a man. So for the single people out there, this is a single person’s perspective to all the fuss about finding the dream guy or girl.
A couple of days ago, I was reading a piece by ace comedian Ali Baba where he basically recounted his interesting encounter with a single lady who talked about the criteria for a man’s elegibility as a potential husband. According to her, the man must first and foremost be available and if you are now nodding your head in agreement with this notion thinking she’s obviously right, then I am sorry to disappoint you. Availability according to this lady is relative and to some ladies, a married man could be tagged available regardless of his marital status! Unsurprisingly, she reeled out the usual “he should be good looking, have a car, be able to pick up the bills” and a couple of other attributes most women desire in a man. This conversation between Ali Baba and the single lady took place in a club where she downed a glass of Hennessy VSOP in between talks and also proceeded to smoke a Cuban cigar. At this point, he began to wonder if she had missed out on Mr Right several times because Mr Right simply didn’t want a wife who drank talk less of one who smoked! Which brings me to my personal observation as regards this matter.
We want to get married because everyone else is getting married; Many times, no one really cares if a person is psychologically ready to handle the responsibility that the marriage institution confers. In these parts, there is immense pressure from the family, peers and society once a person is deemed old enough to be married, and so this inevitably results in the crazy and often frenetic search for the right person which sometimes leads to getting hooked to Mr/Miss Wrong instead. This is one of the reasons why I advocate that everyone discovers themselves to a certain point first. If you haven’t found yourself as an individual, how do you appreciate your values, aspirations, likes and dislikes enough to know who is likely to be right or wrong for you? A girl can only view a married man as available because she has a skewed outlook to what marriage means and is desperate to be married among other factors.
We desire that our partner possesses all the good qualities in the world while we forget to work on ourselves; I understand that many people want to be with someone who complements them in one way or the other but I believe we can agree that you have to bring something meaningful to the table too. There is nothing that irritates me more than hearing someone who is obviously lacking in good behavior talk about their desire to marry a well behaved man or woman. I mean, do you honestly think you have the right to wish to marry a good girl and possibly a virgin when you are literally known as the “baddest guy ever liveth” who is a regular at all the brothels in your neighborhood? As a lady who is illiterate in this day and age, do you think that you are entitled to marry a man who is not only a graduate but is at the top of his game career wise?…and even if by some stroke of luck, magic or otumokpor you manage to pull this off , you can be sure that the constant embarrassment you will cause him will most likely not make the marriage work. You don’t want to marry a lady that smokes yet you’re a chain smoker. You’re looking for a guy who earns six figures while you are yet to even graduate after spending 8 years in school no thanks to countless carry overs! It’s ridiculous! Preposterous! The sooner we stopped looking for the perfect man or woman and work on ourselves as individuals the better for us!
If it is true that it’s really a search, then let’s make sure that we are at least doing it right. Many times I think some guys haven’t just got “game”, or how else does one explain a guy who hardly knows a lady in the real world and is just a Facebook friend or Twitter follower starting up a conversation inbox with some weak or overused lines, declaring love for this lady whom he hardly knows! How about introducing yourself properly and trying to be her friend first before playing the love card? Makes more sense to me because I believe it’s actually easier for the men who are supposed to do the “hunting” as opposed to the ladies who are mostly expected to wait for the men to woo them. Marriage is not a game and if we as singles are a little more realistic and a little less selfish in our bid to find the right person we will most likely be happily married someday. Afterall it is often said that there’s a man for every woman and vice versa.